How to Crochet Horn Head Monster

Needle:	3.50 mm (Again, I don't know the non-metric size nor do I care.)
Yarn:	4 Medium
Colours:	Don't let me stifle your creativity. I used some kind of yellow and, I don't know, Yoda green?. I bought it to make a Yoda for a lady friend. I... don't want to talk about it.
Eyes:	Again, I don't know the name of them. Ask your local craft store where the shady craft supply dealer is. Make sure they know you're cool (i.e. not a cop).

Terms:

Sc	Single Crochet
Ch	Chain
Sc dec	Single crochet decrease
Db Bob	Double Bobble
Tr Bob	Triple Bobble

Some stitches I use that need clarification:

Double Bobble

yarn over hook, insert into stitch, yarn over hook and pull through stitch, yarn over hook and pull through two loops, yarn over hook, insert into stitch, yarn over hook and pull through stitch, yarn over hook and pull through two loops, yarn over hook and pull through three loops.

Triple Bobble

yarn over hook, insert into stitch, yarn over hook and pull through stitch, yarn over hook and pull through two loops, yarn over hook, insert into stitch, yarn over hook and pull through stitch, yarn over hook and pull through two loops, yarn over hook, insert into stitch, yarn over hook and pull through stitch, yarn over hook and pull through two loops, yarn over hook and pull through four loops.

I don't know what those stitches are actually called and frankly, I don't care. This is street crochet mother fucker...

I'm sorry... That was lame.
But it would probably be easier for you if I did know what they're called 'cause then you could look them up.

Anyway, everything is worked in rounds unless otherwise stated.

First Horn
Row 1	Starting with accent colour Ch 3
Row 2	3 Sc into second chain from hook	3 st
Row 3	[2 Sc into next sc] three times	6 st
Row 4	Sc 6	6 st
Row 5	[2 Sc into next sc, Sc 1] three times	9 st
Row 6	Sc 9	9 st
Row 5	With main colour [2 Sc into next sc, Sc 2] three times	12 st
finish
Second Horn
Make as fisrt horn but don't finish.
Body
Row 1	Starting from second horn with main colour Sc 12 around first horn's edge then continue to Sc 12 along edge of second horn	24 st
Row 2-9	Sc 24	24 st
Fasten eye, or eyes (do 100 if you want) at some point and stuff before going onto legs. I also like to start the arms before finishing the legs, so that I have the ability to fiddle around on the inside.
Arms
Row 1	Using accent colour Ch 3
Row 2	6 Sc into second ch from hook	6 st
Row 3	2 Sc in next sc, 3 Sc into next sc, 2 Sc into next sc, switch to main colour, Db Bob 3	10 st
Row 4-5	Using accent colour 10 Sc.	10 st
Row 6	[Sc dec 1, Sc 1, Sc dec 1] two times	6 st
Sew to body using accent colour. Repeat for other arm.
I thought this was the easiest way to do the arms. However, I prefer to do them by picking up six stitches on the side of the body and working the arm pattern in the opposite direction. This creates a cleaner seam where the arm attaches.
First Leg
Row 1	Continuing with main colour, Sc to center of body. Find stitch twelve stitches back, from there Sc 12	12 st
You should now have a twelve stitch round on one half of the body and another twelve stitches on the other half
Row 2-4	Sc 12	12 st
Row 5	Sc 1, [switch to accent colour, Tr Bob 1, with main colour Sc 1] three times, Sc 5.	12 st
Row 6	Using accent colour, Sc dec 6	6 st
Stuff leg
Finish	bind hole closed
Second Leg
Row 1	Pick up 1 Ch at the top of the inseam of the first leg. Along the remaining edge from the body Sc 12.	12 st
Row 2-5	Repeat as with First Leg

Remember: If you have pets their hair will get in everything you make. So give them to enemies that are allergic as "peace offerings".

How to Crochet the Panda Monster

Needle	3.50 mm (I'm not aware of the non metric size and if there were a just god, no one else would either.)
Yarn	4 Medium
Colours	Whatever you desire. Don't let people like me tell you what to do. In fact ignore these instructions altogether. But I used Chocolate for may accent colour and Cream for my main colour... or maybe it was called Oatmeal. I don't remember. I drink a lot.
Eyes	I think they're called easy eyes. I know that you can't get them at my local big chain craft store, but if you ask the people there they'll tell you where the out of the way craft store is. Usually it will have no sign and be near impossible to find. The craft equivalent of a speakeasy.

Terms:

Sc	Single Crochet
Ch	Chain
Sc dec	Single crochet decrease
Db Bob	Double Bobble
Tr Bob	Triple Bobble

Some stitches I use that need clarification:

Double Bobble

yarn over hook, insert into stitch, yarn over hook and pull through stitch, yarn over hook and pull through two loops, yarn over hook, insert into stitch, yarn over hook and pull through stitch, yarn over hook and pull through two loops, yarn over hook and pull through three loops.

Triple Bobble

yarn over hook, insert into stitch, yarn over hook and pull through stitch, yarn over hook and pull through two loops, yarn over hook, insert into stitch, yarn over hook and pull through stitch, yarn over hook and pull through two loops, yarn over hook, insert into stitch, yarn over hook and pull through stitch, yarn over hook and pull through two loops, yarn over hook and pull through four loops.

I don't know what those stitches are actually called and frankly, I don't care. This is street crochet mother fucker...

I'm sorry... That was lame.
But it would probably be easier for you if I did know what they're called 'cause then you could look them up.

Anyway, everything is worked in rounds unless otherwise stated.

Body
Row 1	Starting with main colour Ch 5
Row 2	1 Sc into second chain from hook, Sc 2, 3 Sc into next ch, on other side of chains Sc 3, 3 Sc into next ch.	12 st
Row 3	[2 Sc into next sc, Sc 1] six times	18 st
Row 4	[2 Sc into next sc, Sc 2] six times	24 st
Row 5-12	Sc 24	24 st
Fasten eyes at some point and stuff before going onto legs. I also like to start the arms before finishing the legs, so that I have the ability to fiddle around on the inside.
Arms
Row 1	Using accent colour Ch 3
Row 2	6 Sc into second ch from hook	6 st
Row 3	2 Sc in next sc, 3 Sc into next sc, 2 Sc into next sc, switch to main colour, Db Bob 3	10 st
Row 4-5	Using accent colour 10 Sc.	10 st
Row 6	[Sc dec 1, Sc 1, Sc dec 1] two times	6 st
Sew to body using accent colour. Repeat for other arm.
I thought this was the easiest way to do the arms. However, I prefer to do them by picking up six stitches on the side of the body and working the arm pattern in the opposite direction. This creates a cleaner seam where the arm attaches.
First Leg
Row 1	Continuing with main colour, Sc to center of body. Find stitch twelve stitches back, from there Sc 12	12 st
You should now have a twelve stitch round on one half of the body and another twelve stitches on the other half
Row 2-4	Sc 12	12 st
Row 5	Sc 1, [switch to accent colour, Tr Bob 1, with main colour Sc 1] three times, Sc 5.	12 st
Row 6	Using accent colour, Sc dec 6	6 st
Stuff leg
Finish	bind hole closed
Second Leg
Row 1	Pick up 1 Ch at the top of the inseam of the first leg. Along the remaining edge from the body Sc 12.	12 st
Row 2-5	Repeat as with First Leg
Ears... I guess
Work in lines, not rounds
Row 1	Using accent colour Ch 3
Row 2	2 Sc into second ch from hook	2 st
Row 3	2 Sc into next stitch, Sc 1.	3 st
Sew to body using accent colour. Repeat for other ear... thing.
Again, this is an easier approximation of what I do. I picked up stitches from the head and worked the reverse of this pattern

If your work smells like dog or cat, you're doing it right.

How To Make A Christmas Pudding - An Uninstructional Guide, Part π

So now we start cooking this cake... or whatever.

Remember last time when I said to start boiling a tea towel? No? Well I did, so do it.

(This does not have to be done on a dirty stove, this is just my preference.)

Step Whatever?: Dust the tea towel with flour and place the cat vomit pudding mix on the towel. Wrap the towel tightly around the pudding mixture and place it in a steaming apparatus.

Step The Next: Steam for Eight Hours while you watch Farscape... I guess you could watch something else, but this is what I'm watching and it didn't have any negative effect on the process.

(I cobbled my apparatus from a poorly engineered steamer)

Step Almost There: Unwrap the tea towel and allow the pudding to dry slightly. Place on a clean, dry tea towel and re wrap. Hang it in a cool dry place for a day. The original recipe claims it can store for something like a month or two - I can't remember exactly - but I'm really not willing to try, what with botulism being a thing that exists.

When you're ready to eat it, boil for Two and a Half Hours then serve. Don't forget to pour Brandy over it and light it on fire. Otherwise, what's the point?

Note: If you want to know the imperial measurements, learn the metric system. This isn't the eighteenth century.

How To Make A Christmas Pudding - An Uninstructional Guide, Part: 2, The Wrath of Khan

 By now you should have been awakened by some shitty person pulling the fire alarm in your building. If you live around decent people I would suggest finding some alternate means of waking yourself up.

Step... Five?: Remove the Orange and Lemon peels. You can chop them small and leave them in if you like them or hate your friends and family enough.

Step Sixty: Add 335 mL of Brown Sugar, 15 mL of All Spice, and  7 mL of Nutmeg.

Step Seventy Seven: Add three lightly beaten eggs and 225 g of Vegetable Shortening. Traditionally, suet is used. Suet is a type of hard beef fat. I prefer to use shortening because I have a lot of vegetarian friends... Oh yeah, and it's a desert and I'm not insane.

Step: 8 E8: Add 185 mL of Self-Raising Flour and 625 mL of Bread Crumbs. You can also add chopped almonds at this point... I guess. Stir the mixture and let sit for 10 minutes to absorb moisture into the bread crumbs.

By this point it should look like cat vomit. Don't worry this is normal... it's English.

While the mixture is sitting I suggest getting a clean tea towel and placing it in a pot of boiling water. This will become clear when we continue in Part Three: The Cookening.

How To Make A Christmas Pudding - An uninstructional Guide, Part: 1

I will teach you to make a traditional English Hamiltonian Christmas pudding.

Step One: Mix raisins, currants, sultanas, mixed fruit, and lemon and Orange rinds. It should be about 800 g, but who the fuck knows I don't own a scale.

Step Two: Add juice of said orange and lemon. Mix in 30 mL of rum you borrowed from your sister (she may add more if you're going to share the pudding with her) and you carried home in a used Pepsi bottle. Also add 125 mL of overpriced brown ale you've had in your fridge forever because you've been saving it for a special occasion which never came.

Step Three: Cover and place in fridge overnight next to your expired tofu and the mac n' cheese you've been living off of for the last three days.

(Becel and heart health do not endorse this blog)

Step Four: Drink the rest of your overpriced ale, you goddamned hipster!

Continued in page in next post...